Metaphors can fundamentally shape our brain.
Metaphors allow us to describe abstract concepts and ideas by comparing them to concrete and familiar things. We use metaphors every day, often without even realizing it. For better or worse metaphors we use can have a significant impact on how we view ourselves, our relationships, and the world around us. In their book "Metaphors We Live By" (1980), Lakoff and Johnson illustrate that metaphors are not confined solely to everyday language but also permeate our thinking and behavior. In this innovative perspective, metaphors are regarded as cognitive instruments that enable us to grasp a concept by relating it to another. The authors argue that metaphors are not just linguistic devices, but they are fundamental to how we think and understand the world. He suggests that we should pay close attention to the metaphors we use and how they shape our perceptions and beliefs.
The Power of Metaphors
Metaphors can be powerful tools for shaping our personal narratives. They can help us make sense of complex ideas and emotions, and they provide a framework for understanding our experiences. They are often used to persuade others in a positive or negative way.
Metaphors in therapy are helpful because they:
Enable us to alter our viewpoint and break free from ineffective thought patterns.
Foster flexible thinking.
Stir emotions, recognizing that feelings are catalysts for change.
Enhance comprehension, utilizing both words and visualizations, surpassing the efficacy of words alone.
Metaphors in Couples Therapy
Metaphors can also have a significant impact on our relationships. If we use negative metaphors to describe our partner or our relationship, they can create a self-fulfilling prophecy and also reinforce negative or limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world. For example, if we describe our partner as a ball and chain, we might start to feel trapped and resentful in the relationship. If you refer to work on your marriage like you are Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill you are saying "this is futile." If we view ourselves or marriage as broken or damaged, this can create a sense of hopelessness and perpetuate negative self-talk. If we talk as if we are in a war with our partner this is a zero sum game with a winner and a loser. This is harmful to the dynamic. The goal is aiming for two winners. War is a polarizing example that may create resistance and reduce the likelihood of building compassion or willingness of parties to focus on common interests.
On the other hand, if we use positive metaphors to describe our partner or our relationship, it can reinforce positive feelings and behaviors. For example, if we describe our partner as our rock or our safe haven, we might feel more secure and connected in the relationship.
Gelo & Mergenthaler (2012) found that the use of metaphor in couples therapy can help partners understand and express emotions that are difficult to put into words. Couples who used metaphors in therapy reported greater emotional understanding and intimacy in their relationship, compared to couples who did not.
Examples of Constructive Metaphors in Couples Therapy:
Garden Metaphor: Depicts relationship care and growth through investment of time and effort.
Puzzle Metaphor: Views therapy as piecing together life's larger picture, acknowledging its challenges.
Dance Metaphor: Portrays patterns of partners, how they move in relation to each other, and the need for communication and cooperation within relationships, akin to partners in a dance.
Iceberg Metaphor: Shows conscious thoughts as the tip and unconscious thoughts hidden beneath.
Map Metaphor: Represents a relationship journey, requiring a shared direction.
Turtle Metaphor: Describes social withdrawal during vulnerability, akin to a turtle in its shell.
The use of metaphor in couples therapy can help couples identify and understand patterns of communication that are causing difficulties in their relationship. Therapists who use the right metaphors in therapy are able to help clients identify patterns of communication that cause conflict thus changing these patterns in a healthy way.
Gelo & Mergenthaler, found that shifting client's metaphor usage to new more adaptive and even unconventional ones, was associated with periods of emotional and cognitive change. The reframing helped create new cognitive patterns.
The Role of Linguists
Metaphors can be powerful but we should be mindful of the ones we use and how they can reinforce negative limiting beliefs or support an reinforce positive ones. They are all the more important in couples therapy. By being aware of the metaphors we use, choosing positive ones, we can create healing and growth narratives that bring couples even closer.
References:
1. Lakoff, G., & Johnson, M. (1980). Johnson Metaphors We Live by. Chicago: University of Chicago Press
2. Gelo, O. C. G., & Mergenthaler, E. (2012). Unconventional metaphors and emotional-cognitive regulation in a metacognitive interpersonal therapy. Psychotherapy Research, 22, 159–75. doi:10.1080/10503307.2011.629636
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