How Children Change Marriage

Here are 7 effective strategies for avoiding conflict and resentment.

Parenthood is a profound life event that brings immense joy and meaning. It also introduces significant changes to the dynamics of a marital relationship, often leading to strain, resentment, conflict and disconnection. Here are some reasons why and effective strategies to help couples adapt and maintain a strong, loving connection throughout their parenting journey.

Changes in Marital Dynamics after Children.

1. Shifting Priorities: Parenting requires immense time and attention, leading to a shift in focus from the couple to the child. The couple's emotional and physical intimacy may be affected as they prioritize their child's needs.

2. Role Realignments: With the introduction of parenting roles, partners may experience adjustments and conflicts in their responsibilities and expectations. This can lead to misunderstandings and disputes in decision-making.

3. Communication Challenges: The demands of parenting often leave couples with limited time for open communication. Lack of effective communication can result in emotional distance and unresolved conflicts.

4. Sleep Deprivation and Stress: Raising children can lead to sleep deprivation and increased stress levels, affecting the emotional well-being of each partner and straining the relationship.

5. New Stressors: Financial pressures, concerns about parenting competence, and changes in lifestyle contribute to additional stressors that may exacerbate existing issues.

How to adapt and Maintain Connection.

1. Communication and Empathy: Effective communication is crucial in understanding each other's needs and emotions. Being empathetic towards each other's challenges and acknowledging feelings fosters a deeper emotional connection.

2. Shared Parenting Responsibilities: Equal distribution of parenting tasks strengthens the partnership and ensures both partners feel valued and supported

3. Quality Time for the Couple: Setting aside dedicated couple time, even amidst parenting responsibilities, is essential. Engaging in shared hobbies, date nights, or simply meaningful conversations helps maintain intimacy

4. Conflict Resolution: Developing healthy conflict resolution skills is vital. Couples should strive to address issues constructively, avoiding blame and criticism, and working towards finding mutually acceptable solutions.

5. Discuss your Values: Remember you are raising adults not children. What kind of adult do you want your child to be?

6. Sometimes you need to let go: there is only so much you can control. If your spouse cares more that you about one area of parenting let go and let them decide.

7. Support System: Building a support network of family, friends, or parenting groups can offer emotional and practical assistance. This network provides an outlet for parents to seek advice, share experiences, and recharge.

Eliminate the word 'should.'

There is no galactic law that says one of you 'should' get up and bottle feed at 2 am while the other 'should' be the disciplinarian. Why not both? Nothing is chiseled in stone as to how you 'should' or 'shouldn't' parent. It is likely you have similar goals in mind but may have different strategies for how to get there. Each of you will parent differently, but you can still be on the same page. Make time to check-in with each other. Find a therapist that can help. Work towards compassion. If it gets overwhelming, and it might, don't wait too long to reach out for support.

References:

1. Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969

2. Lawrence, E., Rothman, A. D., Cobb, R. J., Rothman, M. T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2008). Marital satisfaction across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(1), 41-50. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.1.41