Let your partner in.
It's no secret that society often expects men to be tough, strong, and unbreakable, but this mindset can be harmful when it comes to relationships. In fact, research has shown that men who struggle with vulnerability are more likely to have problems in their marriages. So, let's talk about why vulnerability can be difficult for men and how it can actually help improve your relationship.
From a young age, boys are often taught to hide their emotions and toughen up. As they grow older, this societal pressure to be a "real man" can lead to a fear of appearing weak or unmasculine. Additionally, many men may have had negative experiences in the past when they've been vulnerable, such as being ridiculed or rejected. These experiences can make it difficult to open up to others, even those they are closest to.
Improves mental health
However, it's important to understand that vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness. In reality, vulnerability can be a source of strength, particularly when it comes to bolstering our well-being. Suppressing our emotions and feelings often leads to negative outcomes for all parties involved. While these emotions may seem dormant at first, they have a tendency to resurface at the most inconvenient moments, occasionally resulting in unintentional outbursts. Some individuals might resort to turning to alcohol or drugs as a means of avoiding these emotions.
When we acknowledge, experience, express, and release our emotions in a suitable environment, we pave the way for better emotional regulation. This approach is supported by scientific research, including a brain study conducted by psychologists at UCLA (2), which demonstrated that verbally expressing our emotions can reduce the intensity of sadness, anger, and pain.
Improves relationships
When you are vulnerable with your partner, it allows you to connect on a deeper level and build trust. It shows your partner that you trust them enough to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. When a safe and secure space is created for both of you, your partner is likely to reciprocate that vulnerability with acceptance and without criticism.
In marriage, vulnerability the opportunity for growth. Couples therapist Esther Perel explains that vulnerability allows partners to "meet each other in the middle, rather than insisting on a one-sided relationship." When both partners are open and vulnerable, it allows for a more equal and intimate relationship. This can lead to greater emotional intimacy, more effective communication, a stronger sense of connection, and an improved sex life.
How can men start to be more vulnerable in their relationships? It's important to start small and gradually work your way up to more difficult topics. You can begin by sharing something you're excited about, or something that made you happy or proud. From there, you can move on to deeper emotions and thoughts. It's also important to listen actively to your partner when they are vulnerable with you. Ask them curious questions, validate their feelings, and let them know that you appreciate their openness.
There are times for stoicism but when it comes to your intimate partner, take a deep breath, let down your guard, and you may find a deeper meaning for yourself an your relationship. If you find that you and your parnter are at a stalemate and can't bridge the divide, reach out to an experienced couples therapist for help. They can take you through a step by step process via methodologies like Emotionally Focused Therapy to rebuild your trust an connection.
References:
Matthew D Lieberman1, et al, (2007) Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17576282/
Brown, B. (2010). The power of vulnerability. TED talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
Perel, E. (2017). The importance of vulnerability in relationships. Psychotherapy Networker. https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/article/1917/the-importance-of-vulnerability-in-relationships
Robb, J. (2018). The importance of vulnerability in relationships. Good Therapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/importance-of-vulnerability-in-relationships-0522185
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